Birth this.

Pictured: not me. Thank goodness.

After purchasing an organic wood teething necklace (complete with a hemp cord) off of eBay, I was amused at this "granola" decision of mine. While I've taken steps to make sure that we buy organic baby food and BPA-free bottles and whatnot, I won't be expecting the Crunchy Mama's Brigade to mail me a membership card anytime soon. But organic wood and hemp necklaces (which, by the way, is huge and hideous, but Hank likes it)? What's next? Co-sleeping? Baltic amber teething beads? Refusal to buy gender-specific toys and clothing? (Ain't no way.)

Then I went to Melissa Beck's blog (yes, Melissa from "The Real World" - she is honest, hilarious and just skreet enough to be legit) and read Josie Maran's birthing story and Melissa's subsequent reaction, which was, in essence: good for you, honey, but you're gonna break your arm from patting yourself on the back so much.

You really need to read it yourself to understand why my reaction was a little more to-the-point.

They didn't have "Boo, you whore."

If you're feeling tl;dr... she gave birth in her backyard and wants a freakin' cookie for it.

Guess what? I wasn't laboring in a kiddie pool inhaling the scent of honeysuckle and "taking in the view between contractions" - I had my baby in a hospital. I toughed labor out for as long as I could take it - I didn't even go to the hospital until six hours after I knew I was officially in labor - but eventually agreed to an epidural. Then the epidural wore off and I was whiny and screechy until the midwife came in and realized I hadn't dilated past two centimeters in the entire time I'd been there... so then... hold onto your Moby Wraps... I had a C-section! Yes, the party of natural birth was shut down.

However, there were no "impatient doctors" - my midwife spent the night in the hospital so she could be right there for me and another one of her patients who was having her baby at the same time. And yes, there were plenty of "beeping machines," but it was the beeping from one of those machines that let us know when Hank's heart rate was dropping so it could be corrected immediately. I'd like to see your hummingbirds figure that one out, Josie.

"When I held Indi and Rumi for the very first time, I knew that I already had everything I needed to be a mom to them."

Huh. When I held Hank for the first time, I was like "OHSHIT." But that might have had something to do with not being in a kiddie pool in Pennsylvania and not being surrounded by my friends and family.

That's another thing. Josie keeps yakkin' about being so thrilled to have her whole fam damnily all up the mix. That right there is the only time when I felt instinct kick in: I wanted everyone to leave so I could die alone in peace. I no longer wanted encouragement or medical intervention. If I couldn't die right there, I just wanted to go home and be pregnant for the rest of my life. And I certainly didn't want anyone without a medical degree down there watching the action.

You cannot tell me that this woman didn't cuss her husband out at least once through the four-hour process (which, by the way, my labor lasted 29 hours but whatevs) or yell at her mom to get out of the room or scream "I can't do this"... even if it was all just in her head. You can look back on childbirth and think, "Okay, that wasn't so bad," but I think you're full of honeysuckle if your recollection of it was that you were at one with the universe the entire time. And while the bead gifts were lovely and meaningful, I really doubt that the healing properties of mother-of-pearl were at the forefront of her thoughts.

Don't get me wrong - I'm sure there is something beautiful about giving birth on your own terms and letting your body handle it. But the process of expelling another human being from your body sucks, regardless of where it's done and who's presiding over the matter. That's why I dig Heather's blog. Heather is about as crunchy as it gets - she delays vaccines, extends breastfeeding and has had two of her four children at home. And she keeps it real. I have been reading her stuff for years and while she's staunch in her beliefs, she's not judgy or condescending.

So yeah... shut up, Josie.