Birth this.

Pictured: not me. Thank goodness.

After purchasing an organic wood teething necklace (complete with a hemp cord) off of eBay, I was amused at this "granola" decision of mine. While I've taken steps to make sure that we buy organic baby food and BPA-free bottles and whatnot, I won't be expecting the Crunchy Mama's Brigade to mail me a membership card anytime soon. But organic wood and hemp necklaces (which, by the way, is huge and hideous, but Hank likes it)? What's next? Co-sleeping? Baltic amber teething beads? Refusal to buy gender-specific toys and clothing? (Ain't no way.)

Then I went to Melissa Beck's blog (yes, Melissa from "The Real World" - she is honest, hilarious and just skreet enough to be legit) and read Josie Maran's birthing story and Melissa's subsequent reaction, which was, in essence: good for you, honey, but you're gonna break your arm from patting yourself on the back so much.

You really need to read it yourself to understand why my reaction was a little more to-the-point.

They didn't have "Boo, you whore."

If you're feeling tl;dr... she gave birth in her backyard and wants a freakin' cookie for it.

Guess what? I wasn't laboring in a kiddie pool inhaling the scent of honeysuckle and "taking in the view between contractions" - I had my baby in a hospital. I toughed labor out for as long as I could take it - I didn't even go to the hospital until six hours after I knew I was officially in labor - but eventually agreed to an epidural. Then the epidural wore off and I was whiny and screechy until the midwife came in and realized I hadn't dilated past two centimeters in the entire time I'd been there... so then... hold onto your Moby Wraps... I had a C-section! Yes, the party of natural birth was shut down.

However, there were no "impatient doctors" - my midwife spent the night in the hospital so she could be right there for me and another one of her patients who was having her baby at the same time. And yes, there were plenty of "beeping machines," but it was the beeping from one of those machines that let us know when Hank's heart rate was dropping so it could be corrected immediately. I'd like to see your hummingbirds figure that one out, Josie.

"When I held Indi and Rumi for the very first time, I knew that I already had everything I needed to be a mom to them."

Huh. When I held Hank for the first time, I was like "OHSHIT." But that might have had something to do with not being in a kiddie pool in Pennsylvania and not being surrounded by my friends and family.

That's another thing. Josie keeps yakkin' about being so thrilled to have her whole fam damnily all up the mix. That right there is the only time when I felt instinct kick in: I wanted everyone to leave so I could die alone in peace. I no longer wanted encouragement or medical intervention. If I couldn't die right there, I just wanted to go home and be pregnant for the rest of my life. And I certainly didn't want anyone without a medical degree down there watching the action.

You cannot tell me that this woman didn't cuss her husband out at least once through the four-hour process (which, by the way, my labor lasted 29 hours but whatevs) or yell at her mom to get out of the room or scream "I can't do this"... even if it was all just in her head. You can look back on childbirth and think, "Okay, that wasn't so bad," but I think you're full of honeysuckle if your recollection of it was that you were at one with the universe the entire time. And while the bead gifts were lovely and meaningful, I really doubt that the healing properties of mother-of-pearl were at the forefront of her thoughts.

Don't get me wrong - I'm sure there is something beautiful about giving birth on your own terms and letting your body handle it. But the process of expelling another human being from your body sucks, regardless of where it's done and who's presiding over the matter. That's why I dig Heather's blog. Heather is about as crunchy as it gets - she delays vaccines, extends breastfeeding and has had two of her four children at home. And she keeps it real. I have been reading her stuff for years and while she's staunch in her beliefs, she's not judgy or condescending.

So yeah... shut up, Josie.

This is as crafty as it gets around here.

 Yep, with a little help from Hobby Lobby, I made that.

I got the idea from 52Mantels (this one in particular)... I love that prayer. Simple and relevant to all seasons, but especially fall.

So first I nosed around Google until I found a suitable frame for the quote (I searched for "baroque frame vector," I think). This one was a free preview that I blew up in MS Publisher. I suppose I could have paid for one that would have printed at a little higher resolution, but it's going up on the mantel and didn't really print that pixellated after I turned it into a PDF.

I typed up the quote (using "Monoment" from DaFont.com and "Baskerville Old Face" for the credit), centered everything, and printed it out on grayish mottled cardstock.

Then I checked the trusty Hobby Lobby website to make sure that what I wanted was on sale... sho nuff, frames and scrapbook paper were half price and 30% off, respectively.

 While the frame was easy to pick out - I'd seen it last week and liked it - trying to find suitable scrapbook paper was not as simple. I'd like to point out that, being a non-crafter and all, I know next to nothing about scrapbooking. So is Thanksgiving a not-often-scrapbooked holiday or what? There was hardly anything fall-related except for Halloween (and all those were ridiculously cute and made me want to start getting on board the crazy scrapbook train like, yesterday).

Anyway, as you can see from the above photos, I chose this two-sided page because I wasn't sure what would look good with the cardstock. I ended up going with the yellow stripe because the swirls on the frame kind of blended in with the floral pattern.

So yeah. I cut the paper to size, cut out the quote (leaving a little white space all the way around), glued it down on the scrapbook page, and stuck it in the frame. I'm really happy with it and looking forward to finding something else I can put in there for Christmas.

I feel like this was an extra long entry for something that didn't really require it. Anyway... go out there and make one of your own. If I can do it, anyone can. I'll post pictures of the completed fall mantel soon.

How to Paint a Chevron Pattern on a Pumpkin: An Illustrated Guide

1. Get the necessary supplies: masking tape, ruler, pencil, paint color of your choice, paint brush, and of course, a pumpkin.

2. Measure out your chevrons and mark with pencil dots. Mine were two inches long and 2 and 1/4 inches apart. Tape those suckers off. Looks good so far!

3. Attempt to recreate an even row for the next section. Realize it looks awful and the tape isn't really sticking anyway.

4. Tear all the tape off.

5. Start over using clear packing tape. Measure each piece first and then assemble it before placing it on the pumpkin. Congratulate yourself on figuring this out.

6. This stupid tape doesn't stick either and the little structure doesn't account for a round surface. Discard tape; bang head on kitchen table.

7. Take a deep breath. Remember where your strengths lie - painting - and go on dafont.com to chose a nice script initial to paint on the pumpkin instead of f***ing with tape and all that bulls**t.

8. Oh, good. Your paintbrush is old and terrible and silver paint doesn't really show up that well on a white pumpkin.

9. Wipe the paint off the stupid pumpkin and take it outside to be with its friends in its natural state. Vow never to craft again.

Good Things for your Friday.

By Ryan Feerer

1. Writing with a brand new black Sharpie marker.
2. Hearing your baby work toward saying "Daddy." The "Da" and the "dee" come seconds to hours apart, and he definitely won't do it on command, but it's getting there.
3. Painting a silver chevron pattern on a Grey Ghost pumpkin. I haven't done this yet, but it's going to be awesome.

The Wardrobe Project: Days 9 and 10

From Monday (counterclockwise from top left):

Navy blue shirtdress: Moda International on eBay for $8 (including shipping!). I thought from the pictures that this was going to be an actual shirt material, but it's actually really thick jersey. I wasn't crazy about it at first, but then I added the belt.
Tan skinny belt: $3 at K-Mart. Totally cute notched design, and for three bucks? Yes, please.
Oatmeal-colored cotton cardigan: Kohl's for like $8. I am generally not a fan of Kohl's, but every once in a while I'll find something decent. Dillard's had these for sale at the same time I bought this for $20. It pays to shop around.
Brown elephant necklace: JCrew knockoff on eBay for $1 or something ridiculous like that.
Tan riding boots: Lucky Brand; $200-ish on endless.com a couple years ago. Okay, this was a big splurge. I think I used my entire tax return to buy these, but I adore these boots and am so glad I bought them.

From today:

I used this picture from Pinterest as inspiration...

...and came up with this.

 

Melon-colored Dolman-sleeve top: TJ Maxx; $8 or something like that. I bought this last year when I was about 8 months pregnant and sick to death of my clothes, but still refusing to cave and buy anything labeled as maternity wear.  

Gray skinny corduroys: Lauren Conrad (from Kohl's) thrifted from a Facebook friend; $5. I used to hate wearing cords for the longest time, but I love these.

Gray scarf: K-Mart; $3.

Tortoiseshell glasses: Claire's or something. They're not prescription. I just love wearing glasses sometimes.
Boots: You know the boots.

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower." -Albert Camus

I'm in kind of bad mood, so I'm cheering myself up with another Top 5 list. Get used to them. In honor of the upcoming chilly weather (yay!) this one is the Top 5 Things I Love About Autumn.

1. The clothes. So many great colors, patterns, and fabrics. I love me a flip flop, but boots are my favorite kind of shoes. I also don't have the cutest legs (they're pale and kind of skinny), so tights are a big plus, too. And layering makes me feel like I worked harder at planning my outfits than I actually do.

2. The temperatures. Hot weather is unpleasant to me. I do not look forward to summer at all. I am itchy and sneezy and sweaty and frizzy from May to September. I much prefer 50 to 60 degree days and chilly evenings wrapped up in a blanket around a bonfire.

3. The drinks. Just off the top of my head... caramel apple cider, peppermint hot chocolate, soy chai, salted caramel hot chocolate, and hot tea with honey and lemon. Mmm-hmm.

4. The decor. I've already busted out some glittery fake gourds and pumpkins for the mantel and have potted three mums for outside. I have big plans for the fall decorations this year.

5. The holidays. I haven't been a big Halloween fan since sixth grade or so, but I'm looking forward to it this year because we got Hank an adorable costume and I can't wait to tool around in his stroller and see all the other equally adorable costumes. On the other hand, I adore Thanksgiving. This year, Kyle and I are hosting it, which will probably be horribly nerve-wracking and messy, but I'm looking forward to wearing an apron and making magic in the kitchen. I also love Christmas shopping with my mom or my cousin Rachel on a crisp fall day.

5 Incredibly Useful Baby Items Under $5 (or free!)

Surprise! Baby stuff is expensive. Although I've always loved a good bargain, it's now even more of a priority. Here are five little things that I've found to be super cheap and extremely helpful in baby raisin' - without compromising safety or quality.


Plastic grocery bags + empty Kleenex box (free): I can't take credit for this idea - I read it somewhere else quite a while ago. However, it's been a great way to corral all those bags into one place for diaper disposal. We don't even mess with a diaper pail... just yank a bag from the box, toss the dirty dipe in the bag, and throw it out with the regular garbage. We have one in Hank's changing table and one in the car. 

Dollar General bottles ($1): It'll probably become apparent after a short time that I love the Dollar General (around here, we put "the" in front of all retail stores and restaurants - the Wal-Mart, the Target, the Pizza King). Don't get it twisted with the Everything's a Dollar-type stores - they are more or less terrible in my experience. Anyway, I have had great luck with the bottle I picked up on a night where I was headed to meet family for dinner and realized that I had forgotten Hank's bottle. The DG was the closest store to where I was going and I figured I could just make do with it for that night. It ended up being one of the best dollars I've ever spent - they don't leak, the nipples are medium flow and just perfect for Hank, and they're BPA free. I went back and got two more after realizing they make Dr. Brown look like he got his medical degree from a gumball machine.

Dollar General socks ($1 to $2): I find baby socks to be very frustrating. They're always so huge and oddly shaped and the cuffs are never tight enough to prevent accidental sock removal. Dollar General, however, makes the best baby socks EVER. They're made of really thick, soft terrycloth, they wash very well and they actually stay on.

Lots-o-Links ($4.99 on Amazon): Use these for attaching toys to strollers and high chairs (to avoid having to constantly pick up and clean the damn things once your baby figures out how awesome gravity is), to extend dangling toys from the car seat handle, or just as regular toys themselves. Hank loves munching on the ones with extra bumpy textures.

Zippered garment/bedding bags (free with the purchase of whatever's originally inside): I've always used these for comforter/blanket storage, but their usefulness can not be overstated once you have kids. And since they seem to be the gold standard for baby item packaging, you can accumulate quite a lot of them. I use them for storing Hank's clothes by size, for toys, bedclothes... anything you can think of. The package that the Lots-O-Links came in? Full of outgrown socks. Added bonus: we have a very old house that occasionally gets musty-smelling when it's humid, and the garment bags do a great job of keeping that smell at bay.